Absurdity

*

2007-10-16T08:32:00.000-07:00

Strive to be better, Or to better my situation
everyone has plans
Plans and dreams
Dreams and expectations

I want nothing but to stay in your arms
But this damn clock...

we get so busy
So consumed with how
And ignoring why

we get so lonely
...and so burnt out

To love and to die
I know I am nothing
Agree or disagree

I'm not that smart
Or that brave

I am motivated by fear or by love
succsess does not tempt me much...

I do not know what I can do
I do not know what I cannot do

Train Wreck

2007-09-07T11:31:00.000-07:00

I've been talking to this friend of mine
I think she'd like to change the world
With her paintings and her poetry
And if the President wouldn't mind
Shed run the whole country
Or be a senator... or something...
Important

I've been talking to this friend of mine
She says she feels so out of place
Cause everybody's got someone
And Chicago just so far away
From everything... and everyone

So you feel a little empty now?
Like someone shot a bullet through you head
And there's a hole where the lead should be
-Lodged inside and poisoning the blood

Just be careful what you change into
I'm not sure you noticed, but you've changed
If you look into a mirror you
Might just not recognize your face

-And they're calling this an accident
-A train wreck in your back yard
-An isolated incident
But you keep coming back for more
-Like it's a weekly episode
-A daytime drama with a twist
Wait a bit- you will explode
If you crave disaster at it's best

I've been talking to this friend of mine
He lives three hundred miles away
Sometimes he talks about suicide
And dying alone, wasting away
But someday he'll be married and
Have three kids and be very happy
And that's when I'll visit him
And talk about life over cups of coffee

Just like the way we used to do
Spilling guts, while cutting school

I've been talking to this friend of mine
He walked out of his house at seventeen
And just never walked back in again
And his life has been getting better ever since

And I've been thinking about all of this
And how it just doesn't make sense
How we try to grow so old so quick
While leaving no room to try to grow

a very mery un-poem.

2007-07-09T11:17:00.000-07:00

Ever changing
Ever growing up
I assume a 'hate to admit it' attitude
Towards Conflict
(management)
For it really helps
Now that she's gone
(Or I am)
The damage is still evident
With these walls
These safeguards
These defenses
Please be patient with me,
I'm still the wreck she made me
-Still blaming me
When it was never was me
I know it makes you mad
when I'm so hard on myself
But it's all I know
Because she was always right
never wrong
always never wrong
And she's still blaming me
And I'm still apologizing...
just like old times
apologizing
over
and over
and over
and over
and over
and over
just so she'd talk to me
so she'd notice me
but this isn't old times

Not at all.

I'm done.

and even though her angry eyes
and selfrightious lies
and phony smiles
and sarcastic lines
still hurt
and still anger me
she's not getting my time of day.

and she can't hate you
she saw your face
But heard heard your name
From her mom
And aside from that-
it ended a long time ago...

she told me she was glad we weren't together anymore
that in it's self is a cold stamp of approval

so....

these are my last words on the subject to her

get over yourself, kid
you know you don't need me
you know you don't want me
you just can't stand the fact that
I got over you. (after three years)
you hurt me enough already.
So just stop.
I hate to be so blunt
But any other way- you just don't get it.

hole

2007-07-08T08:39:00.000-07:00

There's hole in my front yard
It's been there since march
I'm not sure, it's hard
To tell, but I don't think it will last

There's a hole in my old school
Like the crack that I fell through
No, I never broke the rules
I just never went to class

There's a hole in my home town
With people leaking out
I'm not sure how far down
It goes, but they're never coming back
you can bet on that,

while we work all day
and we sleep all night
we're losing kids to drugs and suicide

There's a hole inside my head
It will be there till I'm dead
I'm not sure what I just said
But I know just what I mean

There's a hole inside your lies
Where you stories like to hide
And I'll bring them to light.

There's a hole inside my house
With people leaking out
I'm not sure how far down
It goes, but there never coming back
You can bet on that.

dent.

2007-06-11T11:20:00.000-07:00

The headlights set the stage for a poorly ended day
With a conversation vague
And a hug-and-turn-away
And in a jealous sort of rage

-he's kicking his door
-she's walking away
-i cant hear a thing
-but everything's clear
-i pulling away
-until she is safe
-inside
-and he stands there
-and he watches my taillights
-and he hates me
-and i'm shaken
-so hard i pull over
- and stand in the rain
-and i stand there
-and i watch the cars pass
-until my phone rings
-and she's crying
-because she's hurt
-and he's hurt
-but he shouldn't have been there
-because it was over
-before my headlights killed him

But I don't hate him back
I don't think I can
He's hurting- and I
Was the stab in the back
The accidental-no-question-and-over-react

-but he said some bad things
-about us
-when i just dropped you off
-and you gave me a hug
-that's all-
-and he called her a slut
-and to shut the hell up
-in his mind there's doubt about what "we've done"
-when I just dropped her off
-and she gave me a hug
-that's all-
-in fact
-it was over before
-me
-long before my taillights
-killed him

so I listen and talk
But mostly just listen
About something
That really is none of my business
-But I'm glad that she called
So I know she's okay
But she won't sleep tonight
Because of today.

when the day ends

2007-06-06T09:34:00.000-07:00

Father, take my head
It's heavy now to me
This burden on my back
Drags me to my knees

Father, take my hand
For I don't know the way
This burden on my heart
Makes it hard to pray

-unfinished verse

from yesterday

2007-06-06T08:28:00.000-07:00

Hello, tuesday
Nice to meet you
I'm really glad that we met
I'm not fond of monday
But she's easy to forget
I'm hanging out with wendsday
While thursday arives
With friday right behind him
Proving saturday's alive
But sunday, where are you?
I missed you again
I guess I was sleeping
Or loosing my head.

absolutely

2007-06-06T08:22:00.000-07:00

Waiting for thursday
With a pen and some words
To get me through wendsday
Though it may sound absurd
But I think that I miss you
Your on my mind
More often than frequent
(meaning) most of the time
So I'm waiting for thursday
With a pen in my hand
To write away wendsday
Cause I think I have plans

The Elephant.

2007-05-30T13:23:00.000-07:00

Someone Shoot the Elephant
It's filling up the room
And Eating all the furniture
(Or will be, very soon)
The Elephant's not friendly
They very seldom are
I tried to make it leave one day
But didn't get it very far
Sometimes it's hard to sleep at night
When I'm inside my bed
And that's due to the Elephant
That's looming overhead
Sometimes he even follows me
When I try to get away
He waits inside the coffee shop
I go to every day.
So someone shoot my elephant
Preferably today
I haven't had a good nights sleep
Since the Elephant first came

letting go. (finaly)

2007-05-29T12:11:00.001-07:00

A little bit of Boredom
And a slightly heavy heart
Brings the problems to the table
With a subtle bumpy start
This baggage isn't heavy
But I can't carry anymore
It's filling up my bedroom
From the ceiling to the floor.
It says my brother left me
When I needed him the most
He packed his bags, closed the door
And drove off towards the coast
I remember how the tire tracks
Just faded into snow
And I watched his taillights fade away
Until I was alone.
He never knew- I never said
How much that tore me up
But for a year, I faded out
And blamed it on bad luck.
The real truth: Point A to B
My brother was my Rock
But he left, you know, he had to leave
For a job, a girl, and God.
I needed him, but after that,
I had to take his place
And I wasn't very good at it
I fell so far away.
And that was when I met a girl,
Two awful summers past
And tried so hard
So very hard
To make her love me back,
But the mess that was my head back then
Could not grasp the fact
That this "save me love" I felt so bad
Was just a tourist trap.
And that was when
With knife in hand
I made three tally marks
One for pain
One for pain
And one to make a scar.
A scar, you see, is tangible
It's real, and don't you see?
If feelings caused this real scar
Than the feelings must be real.
Sounds messed up?
It is.
It was- the stupidest mistake
I felt the need to prove to myself
I wasn't fake.
And this is where I close my mouth
And just get up and leave-
And go somewhere away from here
And brush the memories off my teeth.

about a boy

2007-05-21T09:27:00.000-07:00

'A day poorly spent.
'Says the boy in my chair
'A day poorly spent,
And you don't seem to care'

"how are you in here!? The doors are all locked!"

'I'm here, that is true, but how, matters naught.
The fact of the matter is you live like your cursed
You hide like a ghost,
And you couldn't look worse.
You slept in your cloaths
And just faded til' noon
Then you left to go nowhere for an hour or two.
You just disapear, kid, and noone knows where
You disapear to apear somewhere broken and bare.
It's time that you see, kid
You lost me again.
You promised you wouldn't
Remember, back then?'

"I could not have lost you.
I know not your name."

'I know you don't know me.
We're one and the same.'

About a Girl

2007-05-21T08:45:00.000-07:00

Once and Again
I find myself here
Between feeling
Denial,
Loathing
And fear
With a hot cup of chamomile
And an hour or two
To write down random
Thoughts that I think about you
And I find that it's strange
(With a hint of unreal)
That after last week I can actually feel
(Good) I feel good
And oddly care free
And these butterflies eating my stomach
Wont leave-
Me alone
And that it's okay
I'm not in the mood for alone anyway
And I laugh much more now
I'm not sure why that is
Perhaps I stopped trying to be what
'They'd' wish

I enjoy when we're talking
About both big and small
Not speaking of problems
Just laughing that's all
And I laugh at a joke
And your laughing with me
And These butterflies eating my stomach
won't leave.